questions

I almost always have trouble coming up with a title for my posts because I never really know what is going to come out of my brain until I type it.  So I am titling this post questions, because I always have questions. 
Some of today's questions are, Why do I have such a hard time feeling like a grown up around my mom, why do I allow her to make me feel so immature and irresponsible, Why does she have such power over my life?  We got along great when I lived at home, we never fought over what clothes I would wear, when I should be in at night, (of course I hardly ever went anywhere),what I should do with my time (well other than when she felt I should be cleaning or doing school work and I wanted to read), or even just being. 

That was between me and my dad.  We could (and did) fight over A+B=C or B+A=C.  Both of us had to be right and we both had to have the last word.  I look like my dad.  We often joked that I should have been named for him.  (Instead I was named after a girl my brother had a crush on in 1st grade).  So I don't understand why, now at this point in my life, I am having such a problem dealing with my mom.  Granted she has no idea about what it is like to live with depression.  But I think it is more than that.  Or maybe that is the base of the problem and neither one of us realize it.  I don't really know.  I really have never taken the time to think about it or even talk to her much about what living with depression is like.  She is a nurse so she has a book knowledge of depression and that it isn't all "just in my head", but that doesn't really give you an idea of what it is like living day to day with this cloud of Who know over you.  It is like you are constantly living in a fog sometimes.  I can only see the very next step, sometimes I can't even see where the next step is going to land.  And being an "in control" type person, that is hard to trust that there is going to be something to land on. 

Well enough about mom, now it is time to stress about evaluations.  My evaluator has been after me for over a month to get my appts scheduled.  I need to have testing done for Babes also this year as he is in 3rd grade.  I really wish the PDE still accepted the WRAT test for this, but they no longer do.  I am not as worried about Babes testing for 3rd grade as I was for Red.  Red is such a different child for our family.  He has a different body shape than either of the other two, has red hair of course, is the only one who doesn't need glasses, and learns so much differently than the other two.  I have had many people tell me to get him tested for Autism, but I am not sure that I want that label for him.  Of course it might be helpful to have him tested then he might qualify for some therapies that we can't afford at this time, but are labels really necessary?  Don't know.  This is another thing I worry about at nights when I am having trouble falling asleep, Am I doing the best for him by not getting him tested?  Or am I holding him back from being the best he can be?  I guess I just have to pray that I am going in the correct direction and the God will put up a BIG road block if I need to change where I am headed with this. 

Well, I need to head to Curves for the day.  Hoping to have a new personal best of calories burnt.  Current best is 412 in the 30 min circuit.  My aim for today is 420.  One good thing is my last weigh in was good.  And on my personal scale this AM, I am down another 3 lbs from my last weigh in at Curves.  But that really needs to be another post as this one is long enough.

Have a great day and if you think of it, pray for me.  Thanks.