As I said in an earlier post this is more for me than you, but you are welcome to join me in my journey. But if my notes don't always make sense, sorry about that.
Well, along with the meds and the counseling, I have been trying to make some lifestyle changes which include healthier eating, and more exercise. To this end I have joined Curves and am doing both their work out circuit and their eating plan. I have discovered through trial and error over the last 8 weeks that I really am sensitive to starchy carbohydrates in my mindless eating. So I am trying some to delay getting any starchy carbs until dinner time. My Curves ladies aren't real happy with this, because it doesn't fit into their "plan", but it is what is working for me. I am finding that standing up for myself in a nonconfrontational manner is very liberating. I did it with my mom when she wanted me to do Weight Watchers instead of Curves and now I am doing it with my Curves coaches for what works for my eating. This is a big step for me in that I usually am very eager to make others happy because I want them to like me. I don't want to make "waves" because in my thoughts, if I make waves the people who are hit by those waves won't like me. I am so afraid that someone may be offended or upset and stop liking me that I tend to over schedule myself and then I end up making no one happy, myself least of all.
My weigh in today was great. From my starting weight of 348 I am now down to 334.5. That is a loss of 13.5 lbs in 8 weeks. I am hoping that with my new plan of no starches before dinner I will continue losing. I do find that the "runners high" is a real phenomenon. I didn't think it was, but I have experienced it. Today I hit a personal best of 412 calories burned in the 30 min circuit at Curves. This was really exciting. I was very out of breath and hot when I got done, but once I recovered a bit, I was in such a better mood. I need to remember this because when I get a depressive episode it is very hard for me to make myself go exercise, I also tend to "medicate" with starchy carbs. Pretzels, chips, crackers, lots of bread, and pasta. Not so great for weight loss. I am so glad that each day is a new one, that tomorrows eating success doesn't depend on today's mood.
I have an assignment from my counselor. I am supposed to allow myself to "feel" an emotion and then journal what it was. This is because as part of my depression I have isolated my feelings and don't allow myself to experience them. While this means no anger or fear, it also means no joy or praise either. My life is kind of a bland emotionless waste land. I know that this is not a good thing and I know I need to change it, but I am afraid of the pain that will come as I remember past events that have contributed to my "walls" and my depression. I am starting to chip away at my walls to let others in and Curves has helped as the ladies there are very accepting and encouraging. But I am still not sure I am ready to experience the emotions from long ago events. I know that there is fear, anger disappointment, disgust and other negative emotions hiding out in my fortress, stemming from events in my childhood. One I have discussed with my counselor and it was hard admitting that as a preteen I was groped by a relative whom I respected and loved. I have also come to realise that I resent my dad for not protecting me from this event. This is a fairly new realization that I haven't discussed with my counselor and I am not sure what to do with that emotion. I know my dad loved me and would have done anything to protect me had he known, but since the only two people on this earth that knew at the time were me and the person who groped me, how could he know. I wasn't going to tell because I was so astounded and shocked that this relative that I adored would do something like that. I don't know if any of my cousins ever saw any change in my relationship with that person, but I tried very hard afterwards to not be alone with him. I know that my lack of tears at his funeral was puzzling to many, but I was just so glad that I didn't have to worry about him trying to do it again that I just had no tears for him.
Well, it is late and I should get to bed. Lack of sleep is one of my major stressors and depression starters. Thanks for reading, if anyone does and I will post more later.
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