Enjoying the quiet.

Well, the kids are away and I am sitting here listening to my hubby snore his way through some TV show.  Not paying enough attention to even know what it is.  I am so enjoying the silence.  And the ability to finish a job that takes more than 10 min without interruption.  That is one of the problems with home educating.  There is rarely any time when the kids aren't around and I am awake enough to do paperwork type jobs that require some attention.  I start, spend 5 min, have to go help a kid, 3 min, have to referee and argument, 5 min, the phone rings, 2 min, someone has a question, and it goes on and on and a job that would take about an hour uninterrupted takes 2-3 hours.  I love my kids, but sometimes I wish I could just wave a wand and have them sit quietly in the corner for 20 min.  Not that I would know what to do if they did because I would be so shocked, but it is nice to dream. 
I got the renewals for my home school group caught up, now to put them into the database.  I also got my evaluations scheduled and contacted someone about getting Babes his standardized testing since he is in 3rd this year.  I also decided that we will be participating in a Co-op this coming school year.  It should be a good experience.  I will be Co Teaching photography to the 6-8 graders with a young lady who will be graduating this spring.  That will be an adventure for sure.  Girlie will probably be in the class.  I am not sure what classes are being offered for everyone yet.  I will find out though. 
Didn't make Curves at all this week.  I was not feeling good physically and that made my emotional status worse and then I made bad food choices which caused me to gain weight and also affected my moods.  I know certain foods kill my attitude, but sometimes I just want to eat them.  Cause they are the tasty ones.  Why do the foods that taste good make my attitude yucky.  I wish that the foods that I didn't like were the ones that made me grumpy.  Would make this loosing weight thing a whole lot easier. 
While I am enjoying the silence now, I will be ready for the kids to come home tomorrow.  Too long without them and the silence becomes oppressive.  So I am going to go read for a bit. then I may do some dishes, or start a load of laundry or fold some clothes, or.... who am I kidding.  I will read for a bit then play on the computer some more then go to bed. 
Have a great week.

I am back

It has been a while.  I have not been feeling very well emotionally.  trying to figure out how to do everything that is supposed to be done.  Bah Humbug.  Oh wait, wrong season for that, I don't care, it is how I feel.  Well, I don't remember if I have posted since my last weigh in at Curves, but I lost 13 lbs and 11 inches since I joined.  I bounce between being happy that it is a loss and wishing it was more.  When I am happy that it was a loss, I exercise even more, when I am depressed because it isn't more, I eat.  Then I feel guilty, because here I am trying to loose weight and I am eating more than I should, then I feel even more guilty.  I guess I am good at guilt.  I don't remember anyone ever trying to make me feel guilty.  Wonder why that is such a strong emotion for me.  Will have to think on that one some more.
On a happier note, we got our tax refund back, and with it paid the money we have due to the state and ordered a new fridge and then had a nice family night out on Saturday.  Went out to eat and then spent some time at a local carnival.  The kids each played two games and got some cheesy little stuffed animals, but it is part of going to carnivals.  I had many of them from when I was younger.  We also have a bit left over so now I decide what bills get paid early or paid off.  I wish, well as my grandmother says, "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride."  So no good wishing.  Just keep going the best we can.  I thought this would be a long post since I haven't posted for a while, but I am too tired to think very much right now.
Tomorrow is another day. Night.

Life after the storm

Well, Easter has come and gone along with 12 people in my house for the majority of the day.  I spent a good part of yesterday just sort of hiding in my room to decompress from all the drama.  Today was back to more of a "normal" day. 
Got weighed in at Curves and they took my measurements.  I have lost 13 lbs and 11 inches since I started at the end of January.  All in all pretty good.  Not what they were hoping, but I am satisfied with it.  I am heading in the correct direction.  I have also started better eating habits that I am working on making permanent.  I still have days when I slip into the old habits, but they are becoming fewer and farther between. 
This is going to be a short one, because I am very tired and keep yawning and when I blink too long, I almost fall asleep at the computer.  Not the most comfortable place to sleep.  So for now, I think I will take my tired self to bed and I will be back another day.

Bit of a reality check from a reader

In a good way, I got a bit of a reality check.  She reminded me that it doesn't really matter if Jesus was crucified on Thursday, Friday or even Wednesday as some others say, the important thing is he was crucified, and was resurrected.  When doesn't matter, that it happened matters.  So I guess I need to remember that not everything that bugs me is important and that is something that I need to remember in a lot of things in life.  Some things that bug me are important, people who make snap judgments about people without all the details, bullying, and those who believe that some people are not worth spending the time to get to know.  Those are important things to try to change, especially when I see them in myself and to point out when I see them in my kids. 
I am a little bit bummed today, I was planning to take the kids bowling with a free bowling program, then I remembered that our printer is out of ink and I can't print the coupons.  Bah, Humbug.  Well, Friday is close and that is payday so I can hopefully print them for next week.  This program is really great, kids can bowl two games a day for no cost other than shoe rental (and some lanes have a deal on shoes, the whole summer for $10 or $15.)  it is called Kids Bowl Free if you want to check it out.  There are centers all over the US and 4 or 5 near where I live. 
Wondering what I should do today.  Laundry and dishes and cooking of course, throw some school in there and Curves.  Well I don't know what is going through my mind at the moment other than that. 
I am being invaded by ants.  the little critters are everywhere and they are annoying me.  I just found one crawling on my arm as I type.  Gack!!!
Well it is time to go get something done for the day.  Should soon be just my 3 as my extra (nephew Fred 10) is soon being picked up.  Hope everyone had a nice Easter and is enjoying this sunny weather.  If you are in an area where it isn't sunny, I am sorry.  Your turn will come.

The quiet after the storm

Well, Easter is almost over, Dinner was a success, and the kids all had a great time hunting eggs. 
Then 8:00 came around and Red threw up twice, once in the kitchen sink and once in the bathroom.  At least he hit something other than the floor both times.  I think it was a combination of too much candy and sinus drainage from playing outside most of the day and not taking any allergy medication.  He seems to be recovering OK, so we now wait to see how he feels in the morning. 
I have an extra kid for the night.  My niece's boyfriend made some really bad choices and ended up very ill.  So she was in the ER with him most of the night and my Mother-in_law was with her, so they asked if my nephew could stay here for the night so that they could go to bed early.  So he is here.  Sometimes I don't realize he is here, but then other times it is like he is a brier patch and annoys the living daylights out of everyone.  I guess he is just like my kids. 
I enjoyed our church service this morning.  It was nice seeing the church pretty full.  Or at least it looked full to me.  I am looking forward to the next sermon series that pastor is doing.  It will be interesting to see what questions are asked. 
I really am not sure what I am feeling right now, relief that the day went well (with a few minor issues), frustration that I didn't "enjoy" the day more, I think that is the big one.  I wasn't really "present" emotionally today and I wish I had been.  I love my extended family, but they can be a bit much and cause me to shut down.  Not sure where to go with this thought, but realizing it this soon after the event has got to be progress. 
Well, I think that I am going to end this for now and go to bed.  The kids are in bed, hubby is in bed, the pets are all set for the night, I should go to bed also. 
Tomorrow is another day and I will try to allow some feelings into it.  Won't be easy, but it will be good.
Night all.

Easter thoughts

Well, tomorrow is Easter.  The day the Christ rose from the grave to conquer death and pay for our sins, so that we can spend eternity with God in Heaven.  This is probably blasphemy in most Christian circles, but based on my readings, I don't think Christ was crucified on Friday.  I believe he was crucified on Thursday.  My reasoning, 3 days and 3 nights in the grave.  He was only there for two nights and one day really.  If he is crucified on Friday, placed in the grave just before night fall, then Friday night is one night, Saturday is one day and Saturday night is two nights then he rises on Sunday.  Not 3 of anything.  But crucified on Thursday, placed in Thursday night (1) there Friday (1 d), Friday night (2N), Saturday (2D) Saturday night (3N) rises on Sunday (third day).  I know that I am in the minority in this, I also am frustrated by Christmas pageants that present the wise men as being at the manger scene.  They weren't, they showed up later; as much as two years later.  But I am only one person, I can't change the world.  It just bugs me and I needed to vent on it a bit. 
Now that I have that out of my system, I can get on with other things and thoughts about Easter.  What do you think about egg hunts?  Personally I don't have an issue with them.  Sort of like the Christmas Tree.  No they don't really have anything to do with the true meaning of the holiday, but they do provide a path for presenting the true meaning of the holiday. 
Plus I like the fact that the candy the egg hunts provide supplies me with snacks for the kids for quite a while afterwards.  So they help with my budget.  Rather selfish I know, but it is fact. 
Also Easter baskets.  These I actually have more problems with than egg hunts.  Santa is bad enough (a strange person coming into my house, really) At least Santa does have roots in a factual figure in Christian history (St Nicholas).  I dont' know the full story, but I do know that he was a pastor who tried to help families in need through leaving goodies in the shoes that the families left on the doorstep (as was customary in that place and time).  He did it to give help without making the families feel belittled or like they were getting hand outs.  To a starving family, a bundle of beans for soup or a couple of hard rolls would have seemed like Manna from heaven. But the Easter Bunny, where did that story come from?  No idea. 

Well my mother-in-law will be here soon to take me to a bridal shower for one of the hubby's cousins and I have laundry to hang before she gets here.  So I will have to continue my thoughts another time. Have a good Easter and enjoy the lovely weather we are having here in South Central PA if you are here.  If not hope your weather is to your liking.

clean house (well half of it anyway)

My mother-in-law decided that she is going to cook Easter dinner here at my house.  She then invited my mom, brother and grandmother.  My mom doesn't think that I clean my house well enough, so she came over today to clean my kitchen and dining room to her standards so she would feel comfortable eating food prepared in my kitchen.  As I posted in a previous post, I can see her point in that I really am not the best at keeping my house clean.  So while at first I was upset that she felt that way, I have worked through that and understand her thinking.  Then unknown to me my mother-in-law decided that she needed to come have the kids color eggs today.  But first she helped clean the rest of the first floor.  All of this commotion was very unsettling for me.  I didn't feel like I belonged in my own house.  My mom was cleaning in the kitchen, my grandmother was cleaning in the dinning room, my mother in law was cleaning in the living room.  The only rooms left are the laundry room, and the computer room.  Or the second or third floor.  I did go to the laundry room and fold laundry, but that doesn't last all day even with the 4 loads of clothes I had to fold. I didn't feel comfortable hiding in the computer room playing while they were working, so that was out and I wasn't about to relinquish complete control by going to another floor.  So I lurked about in each room in turn trying to look like I was helping.  Still not sure how that made me feel, other than out of place.  Or why it made me feel out of place.  Also not sure if I should try to figure it out or just enjoy the clean house. 

I went to Curves, gave the kids all school work assignments to do when I was gone and came home to my mom washing all (and I do mean ALL) of my silverware, even what was in the drawer ready to be used.  That was a bit of a slap in the face.  I mean, does she not believe that I know how to wash dishes.  I frequently don't wash dishes often enough, but that doesn't mean that I don't know how to do it.  So I am a bit unsettled with that, but other wise, I think I am good with today.  I am great with the fact that she pulled the bottom shelf out of my fridge and figured out how to get the glass out and clean under it, because there have been many spills and they kind of collect under the glass on the plastic parts for the drawers and it looks gross, but I have never been able to figure out how to get the glass out to clean under it. 

Now for the next dilemma. The screen over the exhaust vent from our bathroom comes out under the eaves just outside the bathroom window.  The screen has rusted out and now a pair of starlings are building a nest in the vent pipe.  I tried tying some dental floss across the opening, but there was no way to attach it to the side closest to the house so it only partially blocked the hole, now I really need to figure out what to do.  The worst part is climbing out the bedroom window and walking across the porch roof to get to the vent.  It took me two weeks to work up my nerve to do the dental floss thing, now I still have to work my nerve back up and do something else.  Any ideas welcome.

My kids did a great job helping today.  Girlie helped when asked, but otherwise stayed out of the way.  Red complained about helping at first, but then when he realized that no one was going to let him get out of helping, he was trying to help too much and at times when others were working in the same area.  But he did everything asked. Babes helped when asked and then hid outside in the yard and tried to mow with the electric mower, but the grass was too high for the motor so the battery was working very hard and died quickly.  But he still helped.

Now it is time to enjoy the peace and read some in my book.  Have a great Easter all.

YEAH!!!!!

I had a good morning.  Went to Curves, hit a personal best of 416 calories burned.  Then got gas for $2.49 a gallon at Giant with my gas rewards points.  Now home for lunch, and then laundry and dishes, and supper and running this evening and checking kids school work.  My arm/elbow is hurting more since the prednisone wore off so I will probably need to go see the orthopedist.  Not really looking forward to it, but probably should go and then have him look at my knees as well as my elbow when I am there.  

Just wanted to let you all know about my great morning.  So excited and I have a plan for getting more exercise in and still feeling like I am "goofing off".  Doing the stepper during commercials when I am watching TV.  It is a small thing, but still it is more than I was doing. 

Have a great day. 

questions

I almost always have trouble coming up with a title for my posts because I never really know what is going to come out of my brain until I type it.  So I am titling this post questions, because I always have questions. 
Some of today's questions are, Why do I have such a hard time feeling like a grown up around my mom, why do I allow her to make me feel so immature and irresponsible, Why does she have such power over my life?  We got along great when I lived at home, we never fought over what clothes I would wear, when I should be in at night, (of course I hardly ever went anywhere),what I should do with my time (well other than when she felt I should be cleaning or doing school work and I wanted to read), or even just being. 

That was between me and my dad.  We could (and did) fight over A+B=C or B+A=C.  Both of us had to be right and we both had to have the last word.  I look like my dad.  We often joked that I should have been named for him.  (Instead I was named after a girl my brother had a crush on in 1st grade).  So I don't understand why, now at this point in my life, I am having such a problem dealing with my mom.  Granted she has no idea about what it is like to live with depression.  But I think it is more than that.  Or maybe that is the base of the problem and neither one of us realize it.  I don't really know.  I really have never taken the time to think about it or even talk to her much about what living with depression is like.  She is a nurse so she has a book knowledge of depression and that it isn't all "just in my head", but that doesn't really give you an idea of what it is like living day to day with this cloud of Who know over you.  It is like you are constantly living in a fog sometimes.  I can only see the very next step, sometimes I can't even see where the next step is going to land.  And being an "in control" type person, that is hard to trust that there is going to be something to land on. 

Well enough about mom, now it is time to stress about evaluations.  My evaluator has been after me for over a month to get my appts scheduled.  I need to have testing done for Babes also this year as he is in 3rd grade.  I really wish the PDE still accepted the WRAT test for this, but they no longer do.  I am not as worried about Babes testing for 3rd grade as I was for Red.  Red is such a different child for our family.  He has a different body shape than either of the other two, has red hair of course, is the only one who doesn't need glasses, and learns so much differently than the other two.  I have had many people tell me to get him tested for Autism, but I am not sure that I want that label for him.  Of course it might be helpful to have him tested then he might qualify for some therapies that we can't afford at this time, but are labels really necessary?  Don't know.  This is another thing I worry about at nights when I am having trouble falling asleep, Am I doing the best for him by not getting him tested?  Or am I holding him back from being the best he can be?  I guess I just have to pray that I am going in the correct direction and the God will put up a BIG road block if I need to change where I am headed with this. 

Well, I need to head to Curves for the day.  Hoping to have a new personal best of calories burnt.  Current best is 412 in the 30 min circuit.  My aim for today is 420.  One good thing is my last weigh in was good.  And on my personal scale this AM, I am down another 3 lbs from my last weigh in at Curves.  But that really needs to be another post as this one is long enough.

Have a great day and if you think of it, pray for me.  Thanks.

more about feelings

I have had some time to think about what my mom said about my kitchen. I washed some dishes and exercised (almost 3000 steps on the stepper) and washed some more dishes and I have realized that she may have a point.  She is not used to the clutter and outright mess that I have in my kitchen. Also it really isn't even clean by my standards, it is workable.   So I will do my best to have it clean to my standards by Friday when she comes.  I know that won't be clean by her standards, but she will hopefully notice that I have made an effort to bring things back in line with how they could be.  I an glad that I have this blog to vent my feelings.  I know that so far it has been more about depression than homeschooling, but that is life.  Depression is the overiding controling factor of my life right now.  I am hoping that using this blog will help me to work through it and make it a small part of my life, not the most important thing.  I probably am not the first person to realize this, but when you have depression, life becomes all about "you",  how you feel, what you are able to do, what mistakes you made today.  I need to make more of an effort to focus on the rest of my family and my life.  The things I want and need to do.  I know this won't be easy, but I need to do it.  Now to find the courage to take the second step and get started on the journey.

Day something or other, April 4th

Today was an OK day.  Girlie had her volunteer time at a local horse rescue and the boys were with us today.  My in-laws usually watch them when she and I are there, but the boys didn't want to go where the in-laws went today, so they came with us.
Girlie loves her volunteer time at the rescue, she gets to shovel out stalls and pick up manure from the pasture for 90  min or so and then she gets to spend some time on light grooming of some of the calmer rescued animals.  Today she got to help feed the two goats and one of the horses.  She was thrilled.  She also got to see the new baby (6 days old) that was born to a rescue mare 48 hours after they picked her up from a slaughter buyer who didn't want to put down a mare with a full term pregnancy.  Stories like this are why she wants to have a stable and use rescue horses for her riding lessons. 
The boys had fun playing with a metal ring they found somewhere in the house that I believe is the bottom of a lamp shade that has lost it's shade.  Oh well. 
We stopped at the library on the way home and they all got books.  Luckily they are all good readers and love books.  I think this is one of my saving graces when it comes to schooling.  They love to look at books and explore what they find in them.  Red took a couple of weeks last school year and read the G encyclopedia.  Not sure why he chose G, but he did.  So he probably knows lots of things that start with G. 
My depression was pretty good, but then I got a call from my mom.  She is coming for Easter Dinner on Sunday and she said that she would feel more comfortable eating at my house if she cleaned the kitchen first.  I am not the best housekeeper, but my family doesn't get sick from eating here and we do it all the time.  This was not easy to hear, that my mom thinks she will get sick if she eats at my house without cleaning it first.  I am not sure what I am feeling about that.  It sort of makes me feel like she doesn't think I am a good parent or wife.  Or even a good daughter.  I have to think more about this.  It is a pretty new idea that I have to let percolate for a bit. 
I discovered a different website for school and had the kids use it for the first time this week.  It is a group of math videos that teaches all levels of math.  I have all 3 of the kids starting at the beginning and going from there along with using the Teaching TextBooks that we are using.  Girlie is so afraid of math, but she really is pretty good at it.  I am trying to get her to see that she can do it and she knows what she is doing, but she has this mindset that math is evil.  I know it is from our early days of schooling when I was trying to teach her and she would not understand and I would get up set and my volume would go up and then she would cry and I would be mad and it just made for a very bad experience and I don't know what to do to help her get past it.  I keep hoping that something in what she sees will click with her and she will be more comfortable with it, but so far it doesn't seem to be happening. 
I am not sure what Red and Babes thought of the video's as I had to take Girlie to get her braces checked and haven't asked them about it yet.  It was probably pretty easy for them as they both seem to be less resistant to math than she is.
Well, I must go do some dishes. 

Day 1

As I said in an earlier post this is more for me than you, but you are welcome to join me in my journey. But if my notes don't always make sense, sorry about that. 

Well, along with the meds and the counseling, I have been trying to make some lifestyle changes which include healthier eating, and more exercise.  To this end I have joined Curves and am doing both their work out circuit and their eating plan.  I have discovered through trial and error over the last 8 weeks that I really am sensitive to starchy carbohydrates in my mindless eating.  So I am trying some to delay getting any starchy carbs until dinner time.  My Curves ladies aren't real happy with this, because it doesn't fit into their "plan", but it is what is working for me.  I am finding that standing up for myself in a nonconfrontational manner is very liberating.  I did it with my mom when she wanted me to do Weight Watchers instead of Curves and now I am doing it with my Curves coaches for what works for my eating.  This is a big step for me in that I usually am very eager to make others happy because I want them to like me.  I don't want to make "waves" because in my thoughts, if I make waves the people who are hit by those waves won't like me.  I am so afraid that someone may be offended or upset and stop liking me that I tend to over schedule myself and then I end up making no one happy, myself least of all.

My weigh in today was great.  From my starting weight of 348 I am now down to 334.5.  That is a loss of 13.5 lbs in 8 weeks.  I am hoping that with my new plan of no starches before dinner I will continue losing.  I do find that the "runners high" is a real phenomenon.  I didn't think it was, but I have experienced it.  Today I hit a personal best of 412 calories burned in the 30 min circuit at Curves.  This was really exciting.  I was very out of breath and hot when I got done, but once I recovered a bit, I was in such a better mood.  I need to remember this because when I get a depressive episode it is very hard for me to make myself go exercise, I also tend to "medicate" with starchy carbs.  Pretzels, chips, crackers, lots of bread, and pasta.  Not so great for weight loss.  I am so glad that each day is a new one, that tomorrows eating success doesn't depend on today's mood. 

I have an assignment from my counselor.  I am supposed to allow myself to "feel" an emotion and then journal what it was.  This is because as part of my depression I have isolated my feelings and don't allow myself to experience them.  While this means no anger or fear, it also means no joy or praise either.  My life is kind of a bland emotionless waste land.  I know that this is not a good thing and I know I need to change it, but I am afraid of the pain that will come as I remember past events that have contributed to my "walls" and my depression.  I am starting to chip away at my walls to let others in and Curves has helped as the ladies there are very accepting and encouraging.  But I am still not sure I am ready to experience the emotions from long ago events.  I know that there is fear, anger disappointment, disgust and other negative emotions hiding out in my fortress, stemming from events in my childhood.  One I have discussed with my counselor and it was hard admitting that as a preteen I was groped by a relative whom I respected and loved.  I have also come to realise that I resent my dad for not protecting me from this event.  This is a fairly new realization that I haven't discussed with my counselor and I am not sure what to do with that emotion.  I know my dad loved me and would have done anything to protect me had he known, but since the only two people on this earth that knew at the time were me and the person who groped me, how could he know.  I wasn't going to tell because I was so astounded and shocked that this relative that I adored would do something like that.  I don't know if any of my cousins ever saw any change in my relationship with that person, but I tried very hard afterwards to not be alone with him.  I know that my lack of tears at his funeral was puzzling to many, but I was just so glad that I didn't have to worry about him trying to do it again that I just had no tears for him.

Well, it is late and I should get to bed.  Lack of sleep is one of my major stressors and depression starters.  Thanks for reading, if anyone does and I will post more later.

Hello continued

Back again.  To continue my last post.  Two years ago I realized that I needed help.  I went to the Dr, he prescribed Zoloft and counseling.  I have been taking the zoloft for about 2 years, and have been counseling with my pastor off and on during that time. 
I am so thankful that my kids are curious and love to learn what they want, because if they only learned what I actually taught them, they would not know very much.  I have provided learning opportunities, such as our county Envirothon competition and our local Junior Achievement's BizTown program when offered. But as to me actually sitting with them and teaching, not so much. 
Home education in itself is a journey of discovery, discovering what works, what doesn't, what kid it works with and what kid it doesn't.  Each child is different and each program may work for one, but not the other. 
Girlie hates math, but if she doesn't realize she is doing math, she is good at it.  If I just tell her to do math, she freezes up and says she can't do it, but if I have them doing a recipe or working in a "student" checkbook, then she does OK.  She still needs some practice in the basics of math, and I don't believe she will do anything that requires higher math, but I am hope full that she will be able to keep a budget and hopefully run the riding stable, horse rescue, boarding stable that she plans to run when she grows up.  She loves, make that lives horses.  As part of her schooling for next year she needs to make a business plan for what she wants to do.  Not to discourage her, but to have her plan ahead so she can reach her goals.  She has already picked out an Equine College to go to after high school graduation.
Red currently loves trains in any shape or form and his current goal in life is anything that doesn't require a college degree.  We will see what happens as he gets older.  He is very good in all his subjects and probably knows things that I don't even realize.  I think he has a photographic memory.  He is a loving, caring, great little boy who lives to torment his siblings. 
Babes plans to be a big rig driver when he grows up.  Or a Monster truck driver.  He isn't sure which.  He is a great guy, very smart, but has some reading difficulties.  He and Red both have some speech issues which need attention.  As the youngest he does everything he can to keep up with the older two and likes that he is doing the same math work as Girlie. 

Well, time to get off and go do some house work.  It is amazing to me how things pile up when we aren't paying attention.

Hello,

Hello blog world.  I am a home educating mom of 3 who is dealing with depression.  This blog will be my diary of sorts.  It is primarily to help me with my depression.  If it helps someone else that is even better.
A bit of history about me.  I am married with 3 kids Girlie (F) 12, Red (M) 10 and Babes (M) 8. All 3 have been home educated their entire lives with the exception of Red who was in our LIU preschool program for 3 years because of a speech delay. I have dealt with undiagnosed Seasonal affective disorder for probably my entire life.  I have never liked the months of January and February, in school my grades always dropped at least a grade point during that marking period.  I started my journey into full blown depression probably with some post-partum after Red was born.  He is a December baby, so I was dealing with my post-partum, seasonal affective, sleep deprivation, and stress.  He was a fussy baby because he never quite learned how to nurse effectively and I was determined that I would nurse him just like his sister.  That didn't work and when he was 6 months old he was diagnosed a malnourished and placed on formula by the Dr.  After that he was a much happier baby.  Then about a month after that, I got pregnant with Babes.  He and Red are 17 months apart to the day.  He also didn't quite get the hang of nursing, but I was more accepting this time, so I pumped and gave him breast milk in a bottle.  So I have an almost 4 year old, a 17 month old and an infant, am pumping, neither of the other 2 nap any longer, my husband was working 11 hour days at the time and I was determined that I could "do it all".  This determination lasted until about 3 years ago when I accepted that I was depressed and needed to do something about it, that my will power and self determination were not enough.
I sought out non drug therapies, vitamins, etc.  They helped some, but not enough.  The following fall, i realized that if my seasonal affective dropped me as much that year as it had the year before, that I was going to be in trouble. 
I had heard as a child/teen from a pastor that I liked and admired that "those who seek treatment for depression are not truly trusting in God".  It took me realizing that I was hurting my kids with my refusal to seek treatment to make me realize that the pastor was wrong.  Depression is an illness, just like diabetes or cancer.  We can't always just "pull ourselves up by our bootstraps".  Sometimes our brain isn't working like it should.
More later. I have to take Girlie to the orthodontist to get her braces worked on.